I really wanted to thank the few of you that have read my journals and supplied understanding responses, opposed to that of the contempt and criticisms I was expecting.

 I was pleasantly surprised with a few endorsers suggested “Loving Estela,” https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/adventvoice/loving-estela can be considered ‘Adult,’ or explicit material.  I felt is was rather wholesome, compared to so many of the other stories I have shared in times past.

 I had shared the story of, ‘Loving Estela,’ because I don’t think it would have been very healthy for me to keep it locked away.

 Though now that I know she is, ‘married,’ and has been for twenty years, I wish I had.

I am really not that kind of person. One who entertains married women.

In times past, if a woman was ‘engaged,’ or ‘dating,’ or simply not committed, I felt she was fair game. Yet I was always mindful of the propensity of her making me a victim of a broken heart. To watch her ‘needing,’ another man and tempting him is rather difficult and to remain civil in the presence of unfaithfulness is even more of a challenge.

 It is because of this awareness, I simply refused to allow myself to get close to anyone.

There was this foolish idea presented to me by a woman in my past, that went something like this:

 “That because women are always engaged with a man in some compacity and I was the ‘man,’ on the side and not a main course meal. I was simply a maintenance man. Women have more to loose out of the relationships developed with me and I was the overall victor, no matter how the relationship turned out.”

 Decades later, I can tell you that is a horrid lie.

Never seeing my son again is a horrible loss.

Watching her marry and commit to another is a loss.

In the war of love and lust, the man who can not retain or maintain the security found in the affections of a woman, after he has been inside of a woman is tortured by the notion that every time he begins to parley with an interesting prospect, the same expectations apply and the field of love has become embittered, by repetition.

 He is forced to become a liar as soon as he engages her. As playful as the banter is, “You say that to all the pretty girls.” The immediate ‘No,’ is a lie.

As I think of Estela I am made to ask, “Who is stronger, the man who flees all semblance of evil and temptation, or the man who can conquer the heart of a faithful woman, who had no intentions of succumbing to his touch had he not persisted?”

 I was so angry at her the day I found out she was married, yet she did not do anything wrong. It is not her fault she is appealing and her friend suggested that I was on her mind.

 Then again her “friend,” is just as interesting. Her ‘friend,’ said she was married, not Estela.

Her, ‘friend,’ is the on that looks at me suggestively, when speaking of Estela.

Sigh, I am really upset with the whole lot of them, because this entire exchange occurred in a grocery store. A family owned business. Meaning each and every employee is Momma, Papa, Cousin, Husband, Son, Daughter, or someone and not approachable, lest I join the family in some sense and that would never be, because Estela is married and she never told me, her instigating, ‘friend,’ did.

I spoke to the woman who told me about Estela. Asking her if she was married, and in the shyest and almost apologetic manner, infact without words or even really looking at me, she says, “Yes.”

 She nodded her head in a slow up and down motion and then said, “She’s been married for twenty years and has four children.”

All I could do was look dejected and say, “ok.”

She then asks me, If I am married.

I wanted to say, “Would I approach another woman, If I was married?”

I did not, I told her, “No.” I told her I have a son, my daughter just died and I’ve been alone for a while. “Where do you work?” she asked.

I told her I am a writer, artist, and a vagabond who works for hire any where and every where he can.

She looked confused and then shocked.

I was amused.

“Are you going to be with your family, this Thanksgiving?” she asks.

“Sure, family is important to me.”

Sigh, what I’ve not been able to figure out is, “Why don’t I have this much customer service in Wal-mart, Foodlion, or WholeFoods?”

 Did you know it took me three hours in Wal-mart to purchase a pair of earrings for a woman I will never be able to give them to?