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AdventVoice's News

Posted by AdventVoice - 3 days ago


After devising an illustration of Lara Croft the Tomb Raider from ideas taken from artists like Victor Rinaldi, who’s piece of art; a simple pencil and ink drawing received 3,018 views since it’s debute March 2 2013, I realized I was not alone in my love and admirations for this legendary icon of game play and femme fatale lore.

 Craig Macmillan, a Premium Gallery owner, of the United Kingdom did well when he found Victor’s work to showcase. I sometimes wonder what a gallery owner who has had to take stakes in the arts would say about my own work, but I will content myself with the idea that I was not too late to contribute my name to the list of artists  that took on Lara Croft.

 Stephan Ashby spoke with the Eidos Montreal team that produced all three of the newest titles for Lara Croft set in the Mayan forests and David Anfossi says, They have no plans to make another game. A large mix of Ubisoft developers and Crystal Dynamics got together to make a beautiful game that focuses on Lara Croft and her independent nature.

 I look at Lara Croft and place her in a field of cultural influences and in the midst of all the women that have sought to showcase what a strong woman, a confident woman, one that can stand toe to toe with a man and kick his ass, a woman that can do the job of a man, better than a man and I wonder did she really do her job well?

 Many suggest that there will never be another Lara Croft and I hope they are right. I hope she remains a legend and not a re-washed character of feminist propaganda like Wonder Woman- Salt- Black Widow of Marvel-Spider girl-Bat girl-She-Hulk-Tank-Girl- Power girl- Samus Aran and the list can go on as long as I desire it really, but  I hope Lora Croft can age gracefully with me like my love for 007 and her other male counter parts of the United Kingdom action genres.

I took a poll on twitter and asked people, “How did Tomb Raider make you feel as a child growing up?”

 1) 0%Feminist Icon?

2) 100%A puzzle master

3) 0%feminist propaganda

4)  0% A game for everyone?

These stats are set to change by the end of the week, but at the moment after a day of polling it seems many believe the game just had a wonderful emphasis on tactics, strategy, puzzle mastery and no matter how the game evolves graphically, as long as they can feel like ‘puzzle masters,’ by the end of it, they will continue to play.  


Posted by AdventVoice - 4 days ago


So I was browsing through my blogs and noticed someone from Germany read my piece on Eroticism https://avproductionsblog.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/where-there-is-eroticism-there-is-liberty/

 

They never said anything but they read it and I hope they took some thing good from it. I really wish people would leave comments or something to say what they thought or how they felt about it. If I should shut up and continue with another article on the same subject just more indepth.

 

At the moment I can only take silence to mean acquiescence.


1

Posted by AdventVoice - 7 days ago


It was nice to find that so many appreciated my take of a Christmas Special. https://adventvoice.newgrounds.com/news/post/1028205  So much so that I can only hope many will find this next one just as entertaining. I did not think anyone would want to open the door and find Futanaris behind it but in truth, we all just like a  good story.

 A good story. That is what I bumped into when I noticed how many people have been fluttering into Newgrounds.com and the idea of the internet exploding with NSFW material on what could seem to be a protest on the idea of censoring “intellectual property.”

 Some claim that start-up websites can not handle the responsibilities of monetizing content, and this is a justifiable reasoning behind the Tumblr Purge and “Thot-audits,” of twitter and many social media platforms.

Except people are forgetting that you really don’t want a corporation big or small to regulate how you earn your money. It should never have been the responsibility of Tumblr, Twitter, Googleplus, Facebook or Youtube to control the flow of anyone’s money. They were simply to be a platform that encouraged the flow of information; never was the grand intention to scrutinize how individuals made a living.

It is due to this reliance on “globalists,” devisers of per-cappa incentives, that we must suffer the misinformation of Daniel Benjamin, who would propose our sitting American President to be a kin to Karl Lueger who according to Benjamin, a former coordinator for center terrorism at the U.S. State Department, received accolades from Hitler during his tenor as mayor of Vienna. Just as Benjamin placed blame of the internet on his enemies, Tumblr placed blame for a massive drop in users on a community innocent of any hateful propaganda.

In the midst of my busy scheldue I also came across a Neko who as a male is gorgeous. He claims to be a power bottom but my taste in music is his face. I asked to create a fan art piece of NekoTaks OC Nex and he agreed.

There is talk about the struggle presented in earning a living from NSFW material and the lack of value in our field of study.

It sickens me. Tumblr’s self-righteous insistence on purging NSFW material and the lack of coverage this phenomenon is receiving in the news. Each artist brought a level of viewer ship and usage of the platform that ranges in the thousands. Earning only what each can garner from the private solicitation and patronage of their audience and come Dec 17th 2018, that will end and push developers to rely on only two sources of information dispensaries. Which makes it easier to target and shut down the potential clientele of creators. I am sure that is the goal.

At this point you might be asking what does this have to do with Nex the Necko and his little monster girl Tumblette? Well I thought it would be a wonderful Christmas gift to Tumblr to receive a curtain call to their support of NSFW content by suggesting they suck a Necko’s dick.


Posted by AdventVoice - 7 days ago


So. I am confused: Giselle - The Best Ass in Dallas

@escortGiselle blocked me on twitter because I said she looks like she eats a lot of avocados.

Did she take this to mean I was being disrpectful or slurrish or crude in some way? I mean you might be asking yourself right now, what does a person look like after eating a lot of avocados and if you don't know then just take a look at Giselle's profile. Ladies if you want to compete with the best ass in the nation or world wide, I presonally advice a high diet of avocados and this is not to say that I feel only Spanish, or partially Spanish, or ethinic women have big asses and only ethnic food produces a big ass.

It is just a fact.

No one is going to have a good shape without a high content of fat to support the body. E.g. Avocados.

I am sure that is why I have a big dick. Cause I eat Avocados every morning.

What were some of the reasons you were blocked from viewing the post of a social media escort?


1

Posted by AdventVoice - 10 days ago


Where was I during a Smurf Flood?

 

https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/stevechopz/i-smurfed-my-smurfs

 

How did I miss a Smurf Flood? Why was this not televised along with the Shuttle Crash of 2018?


Posted by AdventVoice - 10 days ago


Well as of yet, few have been able to explain to me, where lies in the idea of “gender equality,” among NSFW detractors, who suggest “The illustrating of a penis is too explicit?” These detractors will make room for lesbian, gay and alien sex, but have a hysterical fit if you illustrate the actions of a ‘normal,’ and healthy heterosexual occurrence.

 As of late the idea of being hindered artistically out of fear of offending some majority consensus that attributes “adult,” art with that of a ‘lesser,’ caliber of literature or avenue of story telling and degrade it further by suggesting the illustration of a penis is more concerning than that of breasts or clitoris of female form, has me feeling stifled. Highly isolated, stuck in a corner and made to sit in detention because I said penis.

 After contemplating the illustrated short story of my past and present affections towards Victoria, I realized I have very few to share these events with or the illustrations. Considering many find this style repugnant and then there are those that have no use for heterosexual relationships. It has gotten so bad I read in a gamers magazine, months ago, of how Steve Hogarty just can’t stand the need of game developers to incorporate NSFW material into the dialogue and special sequences. He went on at length as to how he as a homosexual just could no tolerate the hero and heroine displaying sexual urges.

Modernlove@newyorktimes.com by  Helen Schulman, author of “Come With Me,” recently wrote an article based on the premise of “What her life might have been had she not married her husband.” Similar to the theme of the 1998 Gwyneth Paltrow  film, “Sliding Doors.” A chick-flick that I never would have allowed any of the women in my life to watch, lest I had to be made aware of their hidden, promiscuous fantasies.

The Christmas Season is full of these notions of, “Window Shopping,” fever. We walk by the expensive shops and in out minds ponder what our lives would be like if we had that expensive accessory. There was a time when people where no more than expensive accessories to me. I had enough in my pocket to turn my window shopping excursions into reality and never pondered long of what my life would if I had that person in my life.

 This Christmas season is shockingly different though. I’ve been pondering what would it be like to have Sarah the Switch Hitter and TTFPH in my life. Who at the moment are different than any video game character, or movie star, or fantasy of my mind that I can not really touch. Sarah was created at the behest of a friend. She like any other Futanari had to navigate this Christmas and holiday season by enjoying the company of those that respect and love her. Which according to Jeffery Kluger will become harder and harder in an Administration willing to roll back protections set for this scientific anomaly.

 The strains placed upon an artist and writer for discussing the activities that occur after too many spiked egg nogs between a man and a woman are intense. The NSFW community is attacked verbally by an increasingly aggressive religious community. Women like Stormy Daniels, honestly can not expect the glamour of Democrat support to last for very long. For in the presence of political debate, anything she achieves in the field of smut will be frowned upon by delegates in the House and Senate, no matter how many adds suggest “men should support #HeFORSHE.org.”

 I have been navigating the underground for a long time and as the writers before me Marquis De Sade, Robert Crumb, Maggie McNeill, my library is extensive, I have believed in the joy presented in eroticism. My only misgivings is, “How the world will see me, if they know, I would not mind taking TTFPH and Sarah out for dinner and a movie on Christmas Eve and getting them presents to put under the tree?” There are so many stories and songs and tales that support heterosexual love, open relationships, common law marriages, dating with no intention of marrying, relationships of women over the age of fifty with men barley in their second year of college.

Yet none would admit that they would take a Futanari and make that person their Christmas wish. I have seen the support given to lesbian relationships, the butch with the lipstick lesbian is a part of the HIP-HOP culture and is insinuated and glorified in every aspect of Cardi B’s music in hopes of out witting Nicki Minaj’s appeal.  Accolades are given to two beautiful ‘she-males,’ who are willing to display themselves as an item. I just have not heard enough of two she-males in an open relationship desiring to have a three-some with a male that loves the way their hair falls around the curve of their neck and the lusciousness of their lips around his hard dick. This year I have my misgivings that come with opening this door, because I am a man of particular tastes. I would never settle for an unattractive woman and I think the same expectations of sensuality should be held for the she-male. If I fill my stockings with this wish, I would hope they would have the same desire. To be with someone that makes them nut from simply looking at them.

 Because I am an artist, honestly I love to communicate through the internet and I love dirty talk. I would like to think that if I can make someone nut intellectually, with my words and the images I display, then I have achieved a level of promiscuity that exceeds the games we are able to play while ‘sexting.’

I used to sext at lot when I had a phone but I don’t use the phone anymore. Too expensive. I no longer skype as much as I used to in college. I never did get any Futanari’s to find me interesting during college and how could I? We could do nothing in public, we had to wait for Halloween parties or Freak-Nick’s or the college parties that nearly cost Brett Kavanaugh his seat on the Supreme Court. There is a whole world I miss at times from my youth that as I age, I will no longer be apart of. I love the idea of being able to illustrate this one Christmas wish, though.

Stephanie Zacharek presents Freddie Mercury’s ‘multitudinous sexuality,’ as a conundrum that should be a handicap that is to be ignored. Constantly she reminds you that he was married to Mary Austin and deeply in love with her, as if anyone ever questioned that. She asks, does it depict his sexuality in a way that’s acceptable to all? Then asks who is qualified to say?

She suggests Rami Malek’s performance as the Rock God was difficult based on his disorienting gazes, not hidden by editing. He is quoted in suggesting coming out as gay, “Was like an astronaut re-entering Earth’s atmosphere and finding the ride to bumpy he barley survives it.”

Hollywood has turned “Queen,” into an LGBTQ history lesson but I am a man that loves women, has had children and grew up with the Rock Ballard’s of Bohemian Rhapsody in my home since I was four years of age. I am not gay and I love my Zanzibar Parsi, icon of legend.

To end this discussion, I want it understood that real love, true love, a Christmas love can breach barriers built by the limitations of man and returning to Earth from orbit of the mind does not always have to end like the OCT 11th  2018 crash landing of the Soyuz Space Shuttle.                 


1

Posted by AdventVoice - 2 weeks ago


I was given a very interesting view point of my work, from someone who may not want to be associated with this article, but in response to a previous post; it was suggested that because my work has a tendency to reach beyond the realms of the erotic, many may be turned off by it and desire to distance themselves from it.  I felt this to be an understandable notion, considering the on going aggression set against NSFW material.

 This of course could not stand up to the love given to “NUT BUSH,” by Hentai-Foundry.com and Newgrounds.com- that even though they are an organization dedicated to the preservation of the art form, have none-the-less found room for my work that is neither Hentai or merely erotic.

“Nut Bush,” received support from Hentai-Foundry and having gallery space is always a thrill. Despite all of the negative comments, it is so pleasing to know deep down in the hearts of those that produce the site, they want to give way for the tales of the Dream Weaver.

 I did not use Krita for “Nut Bush,” but I wish I had. Instead I used it for “Gagee-Irin Sriklaew.” Krita is a very disturbing digital format. So the best I can expect is just a touch-up system. I don’t know if any will like what I have been able to render from Krita, compared to what I can do by hand, but she was a wild ride and fun at that. Krita wanted to do what she wanted to do the whole time, when I said left, she wanted to go right. When I asked for an air-brush, she would give me a wet paint brush and tell me, 'she did not know what an air-brush was and does not see how such a tool can be used for art."

I had told a friend I wanted her assistance in the development of this art piece and I still do, I am not completely satisfied with what I have developed and would love to know what she can make of a few of my mistakes and how she would fix the project. If it can be fixed.

 I had been asked to draw Gagee. Which was a story devised by Oam Aw-in and directed by Arch Adhya and starred Irin Sriklaew as Gagee. (The wife of the king of Varanasi who was not satisfied by the king sexually and sought out one of his generals for her moment of climatic bliss.)

 I felt it was fitting to draw her and add her story to my collection, after thinking of the motifs of a few of my latest projects. Faithfulness, fidelity and loyalties and all that come with it.

It is interesting, when you read the biography of the film, they tell you the whole story in a short paragraph, there is almost no need to watch the move after reading what it’s about, because I am sure, true to Indian custom, the woman is caught and killed and so is the young general.

Sadness, from beginning to end, all for one, climatic moment.

Speaking of Indian customs, I recently read in the paper an article written by Malin Fezehai of a Yemenite in Israel. The wedding took place as a henna celebration at the Yemeni Heritage Center in Rosh Ha’Ayin, Israel. The bride was 24 years old, Meyral Yehud who loves the henna tradition. I placed my own depiction of henna on the eye of the elephant in “Gagee-Irin Sriklaew,” and recently learned that Indians, Pakistani, African and the Middle East can trace roots back to the use of henna markings and the ‘triangles,’ which are believed to have supernatural powers.

 There was another story that was interesting of a couple who had fallen in love from the confines of a rehabilitation center. Vowing to get married when they found sobriety. Robbie Dexheimer (33) and Alba Hancock (27). I feel they are at a good age to find out in life what is important and word towards it. I was interested in these two because Robbie now works at Grove, a digital-first brand agency in Concord Mass. Where he is associate creative director. His wife runs Mayday Health, a hotline for treatment centers and crazy people. Makes me wonder why creatives and imaginative people are off kilter?    

 


Posted by AdventVoice - 2 weeks ago


Victoria Maria Harris Edwards,

A real-life femme fatale I’ve always kept miles of highway, city traffic and mutual acquaintances as low as one person a year.

 She recently has divorced her fourth husband, which means she is single and fair game. This of course does not mean she will ever play the game of Nut Bush fair.

 Nutbush City Limits

Ike & Tina Turner

A church house, gin house
A school house, outhouse
On highway number nineteen
The people keep the city clean
They call it Nutbush, oh Nutbush
They call it Nutbush city limits

Twenty-five was the speed limit
Motorcycle not allowed in it
You go t'the store on Fridays
You go to church on Sundays
They call it Nutbush, been a long time, oh Nutbush
They call it Nutbush city limits
You go to the fields on week days
And have a picnic on Labor Day
You go to town on Saturday
But go to church every Sunday
They call it Nutbush, oh Nutbush
They call it Nutbush city limits
No whiskey for sale
You get caught, no bail
Salt pork and molasses
Is…

Twenty-five was the speed limit
Motorcycle not allowed in it
You go t'the store on Fridays
You go to church on Sundays
They call it Nutbush, been a long time, oh Nutbush
They call it Nutbush city limits
You go to the fields on week days
And have a picnic on Labor Day
You go to town on Saturday
But go to church every Sunday
They call it Nutbush, oh Nutbush
They call it Nutbush city limits
No whiskey for sale
You get caught, no bail
Salt pork and molasses
Is all you get in jail
They call it Nutbush, oh Nutbush
Yeah they call it Nutbush city
Nutbush city limits

A little old town in Tennessee, it's called
Quiet little old community, a one-horse town
You have to watch what you're puttin' down
In old Nutbush, they call it Nutbush

Some time last year I told you how we met and parted on as good of terms anyone is allowed to separate from her. Due to the fact that I’ve never been inside of her, I’ve never had to face the venom that comes with her scorn. She phoned me from jail a few days ago, insisting I make sure her mother has her daughter and collects the $200.00 need to aid in her release.

 She did not even spend a weekend in jail after being charged with an assault against her husband that has led him to filing papers. She might have retained her marriage if she waited to get home to beat him.

One day I’ll ask her if she had to do it in the nail salon?

I always did want a woman who was willing to stand toe to toe with me, but I don’t think any man should tolerate a woman who beats him in the face, just because he say’s “No,” to her paying for the most expensive manicure they have to offer.

Anyway, I am browsing through my collections of images of her and still I get a hard on thinking about her. I want to tell her and all, but I don’t want to deal with the drama that comes with it. She is the kind of person that if she lets you fuck one time, you are better off marrying her because at least you can hold onto the idea of maintaining control of her volatility and can fuck her to sleep if she gets to throwing a temper tantrum.

 Don’t get caught with another woman and let her find out. The woman will end up in stiches and you’ll come home to a knife, slicing, paper cut thin marks along the edge of your dick while she seduces you with her curvaceous mouth.

You know we where the best of friends when we were young and if I was to write her now, you’d think just a letter or a card that said, “Your missed and loved.” Just a platonic smile and hug~ Just a look of appreciation, things that make out hearts full and want to be around people.

Something on her birthday- to let her know I remember and think of her. I do miss her. A lot of the time. But I know if I write her, she will tell her mother, who would tell her aunt, and cousins, sigh~ and everyone will know that I wrote her and that would be kin to fucking her in the minds of those that know how much she loved me when we young.

Oh, how I loved her.    

 


1

Posted by AdventVoice - 2 weeks ago


 

I was reading Katie Reilly’s review on education, in regards, to Universities like Harvard and their use of Affirmative Action for the supposed bigotry felt among Chinese applicants. Asian-American’s specifically, according to the Times. Of course they still quote numbers of admission’s   for “non-white,” students to be lower than 30% after Affirmative Action policies have been in place (shy of 15 years) with the development of changes after Grutter v. Bollinger (2003).

 I personally did not go to an Ivy League University, like Harvard for my law studies. I went to North Carolina Central University (NCCU). I only mention this because it is a stone throw away from UNC and Duke Universities that I can assure you have no problem with their ratio of admissions to Asian-American’s or foreign nationals.

 The Times says, “ Race should not be a factor when applying to an University.” In reality it never was. It was always a factor in weeding out who finishes or not. Especially those who are undergraduates and placed their room and board in the hands of the Chair of a University who is at the mercy of those paying to keep the institution viable.

 NCCU was a historically black college, so I never worried about my application being denied. I also loved the fact that I did not have to pay the Ivy League fee to earn the same degree, I needed to achieve my dreams.

 Yet with the influx of foreign nationals and a desire to remain competitive to their Ivy League neighbors, I witnessed an increase of white students, and central Europeans, and Asians, pushing the predominately ‘black,’ American culture out in their final two years, of undergraduate studies and no one saying a word because of Affirmative Action support.

 I could only imagine this influx to have been a trickle-down effect of what was occurring in Harvard, Duke, and UNC.

Affirmative Action tied with DACCA recipients turned our universities into a ground zero explosion of American brand ingenuity at the turn of an economic crisis.

I am African American and had the choice to go to whatever University I desired. I went to an HBCU because I never wanted to be accused of riding the tail end of Affirmative Action just because I was able to enter an Ivy League school. My merit and hard work spoke volumes for me and I made my scholarships take me as far as they would go. Honestly, I never paid into my education, scholarships are a wonderful incentive for those that feel their color or lack of color gives them the right to appeal for better social positioning in the world.

 I am not the most affluent of men. Just as I’ve never lied on the size of my dick, I would never lie about what’s in my pockets or not. It is because I am still standing after the humiliation and detestable position, I found myself in from 2007 until 2016, which in all honesty has not changed for me. Just because I happen to be in a symbiotic relationship with people, I dare not trust the moment there is an inability to buy or sell.

 It is because I am still here, do I find I am able to stiffen my back with pride when someone insists, “In order to make money, you have to spend money.” On their botched investments that leave them in a horrible lurch. Options Investments, Bitcoin investments, The DotCom boom and bust.

 Many have come to me and suggested that “If,” they manage to make it “Big,” on something I’ve spoken against, that I would be upset. I’ve spoken against ACN telemarketers since I was seven years old and found no one made a dime from it.  Whoever invested in it is still looking for a needle in a haystack and the Government is giving “phone-plans,” out to people in need, virtually for free. Not a one time since I was seven, I am 30 now, did I ever feel like I missed out on my mansion promised by my Holy Father in Heaven, because I did not buy into some money laundering scheme that would benefit no one but the person charming enough to have said something I just did not take the time to think about. I’ve spoken against spending thousands on books, I could have written myself. I have spoken against those who would insult my intelligence or my capacity to learn by insisting they are the only way to some sense of earthly success and they can only ‘polly-parrot,’ the phantom of the address to success thought of by someone else who’s name is not GOD.

Took me a long time but I was comforted in the idea that I was no longer ‘spiritualizing’ or living in a fantasy when I could assertively declare that the only road to success is with God and it’s only a mystery, I am only speaking in riddles and parables to those who have not been there, where I’ve been or see where God is taking me.

 As I have grown older it has occurred to me that very few artists or collectors have any real grasp of what their imaginations are really worth.

 Could be the reason why there is a Creative Battle ground in the first place and a resistance from producers or publishers to buy into a product and those I deal with have taken to self-employment. An employment that forces people to trust one another- especially in an era of finance conducted through the internet market have no holding securities.

We are forced to hold ourselves accountable when trading funds for products and ideally this is a wonderful idea, but when applied, the only one to achieve any gain is the one holding the money. Really makes for bad business and riddles the integrity of the ‘start-up’ enterprise and self-employed dreamer. A real pet peeve of the Art industry and I am not really sure when this occurred, but the idea that anyone’s product should be sold beneath ‘state-regulated,’ minimum wage brackets to appease the private donor.

 Now in America, weather you agree or not, the minimum wage has been pushed to $15.00 an hour. This means if an artist produces a piece in 3 hours, he or she should receive $45.00 bare minimum for the product or at least selling it at that price to compete with any other taxable product being regulated by the FTC. In America mind you. Can’t speak for any other country because I’ve not lived, they’re not have I dealt with their dollar for dollar exchange rates. Keeping this in mind it is disrespectful, insulting, and down right oppressive to expect anyone to sell you the rights to their ‘intellectual property,’ for anything less than $7.25 an hour in my personal estimations. Meaning worldwide this sense of selling magazines, art, prose, literature, blogs, of any kind for 2.99-8.00 whole sale is asinine and a waste of any artists time. Professional or the Hobbyists. When I think on average how long it takes to make and entire editorial to entertain  the few fans I have, if I was not relying on the benevolence of the passer byer and worked corporately or for an agency, again I am speculating because I’ve never debased my talent to settle for an FCC regulated occupation, but if I did, I’d contract myself out for a 72hr bid of 108.00 per piece; an exchange in keeping with our countries $15.00 an hour minimum wage requirement.  

 It is because of the potential of such prosperity many migrants seek America as a home and authors like Mellissa Harris are recorded to be worth 77.5 million, or some other horrendous number for selling lies to the American public. All in the name of “freedom of expression.” When we consider this information, why should I or any artist settle for 2.99-8.00 for a single publication?

 In short be it I am conservative or liberal if I charage $15 and hour and base in an 3hr rate of production, my products are selling at $50.00 minimum.             


Posted by AdventVoice - 3 weeks ago


I really wanted to thank the few of you that have read my journals and supplied understanding responses, opposed to that of the contempt and criticisms I was expecting.

 I was pleasantly surprised with a few endorsers suggested “Loving Estela,” https://www.newgrounds.com/art/view/adventvoice/loving-estela can be considered ‘Adult,’ or explicit material.  I felt is was rather wholesome, compared to so many of the other stories I have shared in times past.

 I had shared the story of, ‘Loving Estela,’ because I don’t think it would have been very healthy for me to keep it locked away.

 Though now that I know she is, ‘married,’ and has been for twenty years, I wish I had.

I am really not that kind of person. One who entertains married women.

In times past, if a woman was ‘engaged,’ or ‘dating,’ or simply not committed, I felt she was fair game. Yet I was always mindful of the propensity of her making me a victim of a broken heart. To watch her ‘needing,’ another man and tempting him is rather difficult and to remain civil in the presence of unfaithfulness is even more of a challenge.

 It is because of this awareness, I simply refused to allow myself to get close to anyone.

There was this foolish idea presented to me by a woman in my past, that went something like this:

 “That because women are always engaged with a man in some compacity and I was the ‘man,’ on the side and not a main course meal. I was simply a maintenance man. Women have more to loose out of the relationships developed with me and I was the overall victor, no matter how the relationship turned out.”

 Decades later, I can tell you that is a horrid lie.

Never seeing my son again is a horrible loss.

Watching her marry and commit to another is a loss.

In the war of love and lust, the man who can not retain or maintain the security found in the affections of a woman, after he has been inside of a woman is tortured by the notion that every time he begins to parley with an interesting prospect, the same expectations apply and the field of love has become embittered, by repetition.

 He is forced to become a liar as soon as he engages her. As playful as the banter is, “You say that to all the pretty girls.” The immediate ‘No,’ is a lie.

As I think of Estela I am made to ask, “Who is stronger, the man who flees all semblance of evil and temptation, or the man who can conquer the heart of a faithful woman, who had no intentions of succumbing to his touch had he not persisted?”

 I was so angry at her the day I found out she was married, yet she did not do anything wrong. It is not her fault she is appealing and her friend suggested that I was on her mind.

 Then again her “friend,” is just as interesting. Her ‘friend,’ said she was married, not Estela.

Her, ‘friend,’ is the on that looks at me suggestively, when speaking of Estela.

Sigh, I am really upset with the whole lot of them, because this entire exchange occurred in a grocery store. A family owned business. Meaning each and every employee is Momma, Papa, Cousin, Husband, Son, Daughter, or someone and not approachable, lest I join the family in some sense and that would never be, because Estela is married and she never told me, her instigating, ‘friend,’ did.

I spoke to the woman who told me about Estela. Asking her if she was married, and in the shyest and almost apologetic manner, infact without words or even really looking at me, she says, “Yes.”

 She nodded her head in a slow up and down motion and then said, “She’s been married for twenty years and has four children.”

All I could do was look dejected and say, “ok.”

She then asks me, If I am married.

I wanted to say, “Would I approach another woman, If I was married?”

I did not, I told her, “No.” I told her I have a son, my daughter just died and I’ve been alone for a while. “Where do you work?” she asked.

I told her I am a writer, artist, and a vagabond who works for hire any where and every where he can.

She looked confused and then shocked.

I was amused.

“Are you going to be with your family, this Thanksgiving?” she asks.

“Sure, family is important to me.”

Sigh, what I’ve not been able to figure out is, “Why don’t I have this much customer service in Wal-mart, Foodlion, or WholeFoods?”

 Did you know it took me three hours in Wal-mart to purchase a pair of earrings for a woman I will never be able to give them to?