For the past few days I’ve not wanted to think about anything. The last time I felt like this I was 21. Old enough to drink myself into oblivion in my dorm room, the night before a major final exam that studying for had bored me to tears.

I passed. Even surprising myself that I desired to function after a bottle of rum and hours of Family Guy reruns and Super Jail.

That year most of my girlfriends had decided to challenge me to pick only one of them to fuck on a regular basis. Because they did not think it was fair that I was ‘stringing them along.’ Which was laughable when you consider they all had boyfriends.

I remembered the story of Zeus and how Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena, and few other goddesses and lesser goddesses he was fucking asked him to name the prettiest of them all and he chose one and rued the day he did not choose Hera; who claimed him as husband and demanded the respect the title of wife afforded her. https://www.theoi.com/Olympios/JudgementParis.html

None where that important and so I banished them. Never saw them again after that. Which was fine, I could not handle the headache that came with their insatiable demands.

After they left, I left and walked around the city looking for something to entertain my mind. Nothing came. That was a boring year. I can remember the emptiness of the campus, though their were many people there. So many potential profits, so many dreamers. I was the worst kind of playboy back then. I would get rid of women, only to line up more because I could not stand the silence of being alone. Facebook was no better than Myspace back then and their was always a potential blowjob on call or through text, rather, available. A lot of their names come to mind as I sit here thinking about them.

There was nothing better than going to the club on the weekend, collecting numbers, telling them I all I was single and available and getting lifted by their deep-throttling mouths for a few hours. Finish. Pay-nothing. Leave and find another woman to entertain me or let me stay the night.

All to ease my mind.

Amid being plagued by thoughts of being broke for the next six years because their was little in the way of work. I took a job at Burger King: mistake. Mattress Capital: mistake. When I was not there, I was hustling papers for paralegals and lawyers, moving military families out of their homes. All of it was a waste of time. I should have focused on my art and writings. I should have been going to Comic-cons. I should have been making video games and hanging out with fan-fiction writers, other dreamers and building a hot-spot I would have called, “The Nightinggale,” and sucked up all of that weekend money. https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/AVplusME

We threw parties in the dorm rooms for a fee and would rent homes; spending the weekdays recruiting women to come and “Go-Go,” dance and spend some money with us, but it was childish compared to competitors like Club Fubar in Raleigh, The Skybar in Durham, or Diamond Girls (You know that famous strip club that set the world on fire over the Duke Lacrosse Boys)

I would visit them from time to time to investigate their blowjob clientele.

Don’t ask me why I am walking through these old places in my mind right now. Could be because as when I was 21 and found myself in a hard place financially, I desired to take my cares and watch them drown in rum. Immerse myself in the scent of a woman and faint from the adoration she shared in the gift of her mouth.

All at once I felt better and did not mind the hunt for an occupation that appealed to my ego.

Back then I was certainly, “Running away from God,” and anything that hinted toward moral absolute, rules, control and would deny me the ability to earn a seat in the Capital Building or high loft residences that over looked the city. 

The sad thing was, when I was introduced to people of wealth and some form of social eliteness, they all seemed asinine to me. The men lacked ambition or a desire to venture into anything besides dealing drugs and using that money to buy commercialized property to support Tattoo shops that butchered the bodies of all the young people; or barbershop that butchered the hairlines of all the young people. Hair salons that burned out all the hair of the beautiful young women. Chicken shacks that clogged the arteries of all the young men, and Churches that robbed the souls of the creative mind by telling them how worthless they were if they were not willing to give the last of their college refund checks to their organization.

The women dreamed of men that could make them climax, take them to dinners every night, buy the newest Chanel hand bag, buy that new house. So they could sneak another man into the home and give out blowjobs to soothe the madness that comes from being left alone in their mansions, their husbands bought them as he promised on their wedding day.

After having seeing that day in and day out, you can imagine why rum, blowjobs, and smooth jazz music was the ointment to soothe the rash, city life would give me, the longer I stayed there. It was like reliving a Ralph Ellison novel except the year is 2009-2010 and I have no fear of loving a Caucasian woman when the urge strikes me; or simply settling for a blowjob.

Yeah right. I started with a blowjob and ended with meeting the family and dealing with the awkward stares that come with the insecurities, associated with interracial relationships that occurred at the time.

Though I was fine with it and encouraged it. There was not a real acceptance, at least one I could notice. Not until 2015. Again, I’ve entertained the blowjobs of white women since I was eleven and so on but it came with challenges that I had the freedom to meet with my fists and the ability to hog tie the earnest men that sought to step into a situation that had nothing to do with them, my elders did not enjoy. In like manner the youth of today enjoy even more. It almost comes off as an expectation or inclination. If you are alone too long with a fair skinned woman, that she will offer and because I am black I am to accept, lest I am seen as homosexual or impotent, neither of which is true.

No, but because I am older the ability to walk up to a woman and ask for her time and a blowjob without inclining to pay for the service, just seems childish and tacky.